QUESTIONS FOR SANDRA FELT
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1. What is the Good-Girl Jail?
“Good-Girl Jail” is the term I developed to describe that paralyzing emotional state that results when a woman spends her energy trying hard to live by the rules and expectations of others and yet never seems able to be good enough to please everyone. Living in the Good-Girl Jail is a painful way of existing rather than being fully alive. It leaves us feeling empty inside, exhausted, discouraged, and alone—and wondering why there isn’t more meaning to our life. We feel shut down, perhaps squished into a box like this painting by Alice McClelland shows, while we put on our mask to pretend to others. Trying to do everything that is expected of us is truly impossible, and living that way takes a terrible toll on a woman—or a man. There seems to be a similar jail for good boys. |
"The Good-Girl Jail"
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2. How would a woman know if she was living in the Good-Girl Jail?
If you feel empty, exhausted, discouraged, and alone as you struggle to climb through your to-do list every day, you are stuck in the Good-Girl Jail. Fear of disapproval, doing your best to be in control, and especially a desperate emptiness that others never seem to fill are the primary clues.
The natural pattern of our true self is to gradually emerge and grow, becoming increasingly more solid and specific as the years pass. It is present when we are born and can be either nurtured and reinforced or suppressed and even damaged by our environment, but it can never by destroyed. Instead, it tends to go into hiding and become covered over by multiple layers of protection in response to the expectations of others. The gradual transition of peeling off these layers of no-longer-needed protection and reclaiming our true self is what takes us Beyond the Good-Girl Jail. While not always easy, this shift is a natural transition back to what has been previously known, what is already there inside of us.
3. Tell us, how does a woman get out of the Good-Girl Jail?
First, we learn to recognize that true self we put away for safekeeping so long ago. It is always still there and shows up in awakening moments that are the language of the true self. When we listen at this deeper level, we hear our deeper true self. When we listen to our true self, something inside seems to click into place. What we hear fits us and feels right. We breathe more easily. Our body relaxes. Sometimes we sigh. We often feel relief and “just know” what we need to do. The ultimate result is that we feel fully alive rather than shut down, full rather than empty, and free to be who we are rather than merely existing to please others.
Beyond the Good-Girl Jail describes the experience of this journey--RECOGNIZING our true self, RECONNECTING with it, REBUILDING it, and ultimately RETURNING to live consistently from it when we are ready to do so.
4. Doesn’t paying so much attention to our true self like this just make a woman unbearably selfish and self-centered?
No, it does not. When a woman learns to listen to her true self, she naturally also recognizes and listens to the true self in others. She thus becomes more respectful of the needs and feelings of others in addition to respecting her own needs and feelings. There is room for all of us to meet our needs when we learn to focus less on merely trying to please others and more on trusting and living from our true self.
5. You put “dare” in the title. Does it take courage to grow and live Beyond the Good-Girl Jail? Is it actually risky?
It can feel very risky to be real. After all, we are breaking those rules we once learned we had to obey. We are in new territory and don’t yet know what to trust or what will happen when we change at this deeper level. We often feel afraid that others will leave us or criticize us. Still, for many of us, it is less risky at this point in our life to live from our true self than it is to remain stuck, shut down and empty, in the Good-Girl Jail. So yes, daring to live Beyond the Good-Girl Jail takes some courage, but it is a much easier, more alive way to live. Come on, be real and live from your true self. I dare you!
6. What does it mean to “live from your true self”?
Beyond the Good-Girl Jail teaches us how to “be there” for our self in the way we have always wanted someone else to be there for us and with us. That means that we quit trying so hard to focus on the needs of others and instead become aware of our true self, feelings, choices, and behavior. When we honor our own needs, life has more meaning, and we become more comfortable relating to others. We can play, be creative, and be expressive—fully alive, as I like to say. We can dance in the daffodils. That is my own image and the feeling I get when I am living from my true self.
And imagine, if you can, if each one of us lived life from a solid centered self, aware of who we are, quietly meeting our own needs, and relating to others from our core instead of from either a place of power and control or trying hard to please others. Imagine how kind and respectful we would be to our children. Imagine how capable we would be to develop deep and honest relationships of all kinds. Imagine how much easier it would be to heal from life’s misfortunes. Imagine how different psychotherapy could be if therapists focused on strengthening a client’s true self. This could be a grassroots revolution! And the possibilities for you in your own life are endless.
7. Why would a woman want to read Beyond the Good-Gil Jail: When You Dare to Live from Your True Self? Is it worth learning to grow in this way?
The number one regret of the dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me” (Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying). It can be quite painful to never feel good enough, to feel empty, invisible, alone, and lost. It certainly is difficult to go through life feeling exhausted all the time. So, while growing Beyond the Good-Girl Jail might sound like a big project, I assure you it is rewarding every step of the way. Feeling alive always feels good and right, even when it might also feel scary. Beyond the Good-Girl Jail: When You Dare to Live from Your True Self offers simple places to start and also describes what it feels like each step of the way. It gives the reader permission to become who she already really is and encouragement to keep growing. I freely share my own struggles, the detours I have experienced, and the poetry I have written along the way, as well as numerous examples from the clients in my private practice. Overall daring to live from your true self is a delightful journey inward, and I think the book is specific enough to be a very helpful guide. It lights the path, so to speak.
8. So, does this mean you have now grown Beyond the Good-Girl Jail?
Well, yes and no. In general, I have grown Beyond the Good-Girl Jail, meaning that I now consistently listen internally to my true self. Still, however, life happens, and people and events come along that distract me away from my true self. I slip and slide at these times, as we all do. But it is much easier to return to living from my true self now that I know how much better it feels and now that I know how to return to my true self when I want to. This book provides fifteen questions to ask at these times to guide me back to my true self—questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” and “What would help me feel safer right now?” These questions are included in the handout titled "Anchoring to Your True Self" that is available on the Resources page of this website. There are situations like family gatherings, high school reunions, and everyday crises that quickly take us back to our old ways of deferring to others, so it is helpful to have these questions to guide us back home to our true self when we need a little help.
If you feel empty, exhausted, discouraged, and alone as you struggle to climb through your to-do list every day, you are stuck in the Good-Girl Jail. Fear of disapproval, doing your best to be in control, and especially a desperate emptiness that others never seem to fill are the primary clues.
The natural pattern of our true self is to gradually emerge and grow, becoming increasingly more solid and specific as the years pass. It is present when we are born and can be either nurtured and reinforced or suppressed and even damaged by our environment, but it can never by destroyed. Instead, it tends to go into hiding and become covered over by multiple layers of protection in response to the expectations of others. The gradual transition of peeling off these layers of no-longer-needed protection and reclaiming our true self is what takes us Beyond the Good-Girl Jail. While not always easy, this shift is a natural transition back to what has been previously known, what is already there inside of us.
3. Tell us, how does a woman get out of the Good-Girl Jail?
First, we learn to recognize that true self we put away for safekeeping so long ago. It is always still there and shows up in awakening moments that are the language of the true self. When we listen at this deeper level, we hear our deeper true self. When we listen to our true self, something inside seems to click into place. What we hear fits us and feels right. We breathe more easily. Our body relaxes. Sometimes we sigh. We often feel relief and “just know” what we need to do. The ultimate result is that we feel fully alive rather than shut down, full rather than empty, and free to be who we are rather than merely existing to please others.
Beyond the Good-Girl Jail describes the experience of this journey--RECOGNIZING our true self, RECONNECTING with it, REBUILDING it, and ultimately RETURNING to live consistently from it when we are ready to do so.
4. Doesn’t paying so much attention to our true self like this just make a woman unbearably selfish and self-centered?
No, it does not. When a woman learns to listen to her true self, she naturally also recognizes and listens to the true self in others. She thus becomes more respectful of the needs and feelings of others in addition to respecting her own needs and feelings. There is room for all of us to meet our needs when we learn to focus less on merely trying to please others and more on trusting and living from our true self.
5. You put “dare” in the title. Does it take courage to grow and live Beyond the Good-Girl Jail? Is it actually risky?
It can feel very risky to be real. After all, we are breaking those rules we once learned we had to obey. We are in new territory and don’t yet know what to trust or what will happen when we change at this deeper level. We often feel afraid that others will leave us or criticize us. Still, for many of us, it is less risky at this point in our life to live from our true self than it is to remain stuck, shut down and empty, in the Good-Girl Jail. So yes, daring to live Beyond the Good-Girl Jail takes some courage, but it is a much easier, more alive way to live. Come on, be real and live from your true self. I dare you!
6. What does it mean to “live from your true self”?
Beyond the Good-Girl Jail teaches us how to “be there” for our self in the way we have always wanted someone else to be there for us and with us. That means that we quit trying so hard to focus on the needs of others and instead become aware of our true self, feelings, choices, and behavior. When we honor our own needs, life has more meaning, and we become more comfortable relating to others. We can play, be creative, and be expressive—fully alive, as I like to say. We can dance in the daffodils. That is my own image and the feeling I get when I am living from my true self.
And imagine, if you can, if each one of us lived life from a solid centered self, aware of who we are, quietly meeting our own needs, and relating to others from our core instead of from either a place of power and control or trying hard to please others. Imagine how kind and respectful we would be to our children. Imagine how capable we would be to develop deep and honest relationships of all kinds. Imagine how much easier it would be to heal from life’s misfortunes. Imagine how different psychotherapy could be if therapists focused on strengthening a client’s true self. This could be a grassroots revolution! And the possibilities for you in your own life are endless.
7. Why would a woman want to read Beyond the Good-Gil Jail: When You Dare to Live from Your True Self? Is it worth learning to grow in this way?
The number one regret of the dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me” (Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying). It can be quite painful to never feel good enough, to feel empty, invisible, alone, and lost. It certainly is difficult to go through life feeling exhausted all the time. So, while growing Beyond the Good-Girl Jail might sound like a big project, I assure you it is rewarding every step of the way. Feeling alive always feels good and right, even when it might also feel scary. Beyond the Good-Girl Jail: When You Dare to Live from Your True Self offers simple places to start and also describes what it feels like each step of the way. It gives the reader permission to become who she already really is and encouragement to keep growing. I freely share my own struggles, the detours I have experienced, and the poetry I have written along the way, as well as numerous examples from the clients in my private practice. Overall daring to live from your true self is a delightful journey inward, and I think the book is specific enough to be a very helpful guide. It lights the path, so to speak.
8. So, does this mean you have now grown Beyond the Good-Girl Jail?
Well, yes and no. In general, I have grown Beyond the Good-Girl Jail, meaning that I now consistently listen internally to my true self. Still, however, life happens, and people and events come along that distract me away from my true self. I slip and slide at these times, as we all do. But it is much easier to return to living from my true self now that I know how much better it feels and now that I know how to return to my true self when I want to. This book provides fifteen questions to ask at these times to guide me back to my true self—questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” and “What would help me feel safer right now?” These questions are included in the handout titled "Anchoring to Your True Self" that is available on the Resources page of this website. There are situations like family gatherings, high school reunions, and everyday crises that quickly take us back to our old ways of deferring to others, so it is helpful to have these questions to guide us back home to our true self when we need a little help.
9. I see that Joan Borysenko describes Beyond the Good-Girl Jail as “a seminal book for both therapists and clients.” Can you comment on that?
Joan Borysenko is the New York Times bestselling author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and other books. By “seminal,” she means that this book provides a basic truth upon which specific therapy techniques and other theories of therapy will likely build. To me, shifting to live from our true self is the underbelly of all psychotherapy. It is the heart and soul of healing from trauma, grief, and addiction. It’s what we start with and where we return to for overall stability and integrity.
To heal from anything, we need something solid to return home to, an anchor. When we have something real to anchor us, we can much more easily let go of past trauma, a relationship, a child leaving home, our health, or a loved one who is dying—and choose to go on with our life. Much of psychotherapy is about letting go of things we cannot control. This model that I call “living from our true self” is a developmental approach. We step back in at the point we stopped growing our true self years ago and begin to grow once again. Life is considerably easier in all respects when we Recognize, Reconnect with, Rebuild, and Return to live from our true self. All else follows from that basic premise.
Yes, true self matters. It always matters.
Joan Borysenko is the New York Times bestselling author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and other books. By “seminal,” she means that this book provides a basic truth upon which specific therapy techniques and other theories of therapy will likely build. To me, shifting to live from our true self is the underbelly of all psychotherapy. It is the heart and soul of healing from trauma, grief, and addiction. It’s what we start with and where we return to for overall stability and integrity.
To heal from anything, we need something solid to return home to, an anchor. When we have something real to anchor us, we can much more easily let go of past trauma, a relationship, a child leaving home, our health, or a loved one who is dying—and choose to go on with our life. Much of psychotherapy is about letting go of things we cannot control. This model that I call “living from our true self” is a developmental approach. We step back in at the point we stopped growing our true self years ago and begin to grow once again. Life is considerably easier in all respects when we Recognize, Reconnect with, Rebuild, and Return to live from our true self. All else follows from that basic premise.
Yes, true self matters. It always matters.